Thank you to Shelley Watters over at Is It Hot In Here Or is it This Book for hosting this contest in which contestants are charged with posting their first 250 words of a finished manuscript in hopes of winning... (drum roll)... a 10 (TEN) Page Critique (and blip on the radar) from Judith Engracia, agent with Liza Dawson And Associates.
Please make sure you click Shelley's link above and visit all the entries and offer any critiques you deem necessary. Since you're here, please critique mine below.
Here is my entry:
Title: BANISHED
Genre: YA Historical Fantasy
Word Count: 62,000
Prince Caenus deflected a thrust from his friend’s sword. Dodging his friend’s advance, Caenus darted between fluted columns near the edge of the otherwise sparse palace courtyard. He sidestepped another advance while retreating several steps, but his friend’s sword point bit into Caenus’ ribcage. Again.
No matter what he did, Caenus could neither escape his friend’s sword, nor his father’s searing gaze. During a lull in sparring action, the prince shot a brief sidelong glance toward where his father brooded. Disappointment bent the lines on his father’s forehead.
“I need a strong son to reign when Hades darkens my doorstep!” The king barked. “You can’t beat your friend in a swordfight. You can barely ride a horse. When will you be strong enough to command the military?”
A shaft of sunlight streamed through thickening clouds and onto the royal palace. Kranos remained in the shadows. Studying. Assessing.
Caenus’ best friend and sparring partner cut off the prince’s evasive maneuvers. And again, wood beat against wood. Thrust. Swipe. Swing. Block. Dust rose from the ground in random clouds, kicked up by the rapidly moving feet of the young men. Their sparring swords danced against one another as familiar foes.
“Is that your best, Caenus?” Galen ducked a half-hearted swing of his friend’s sword. “Is there no more fight in you than this peasant’s display of swordsmanship?”
Galen knocked the sword from Caenus’ grasp and, with the flick of his wrist, guided the tip of his own sword to Caenus’ throat.
Definitely some conflict here. I can feel Caenus' frustration at his father's disappointment and inability to beat his friend. When you mentioned the king's name I had to pause and go back because I wasn't sure who this Kranos fellow was or where he came from. Maybe name him when you first mention "the king" or wait until later in the story to introduce another name?
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
**Hi Christopher! Glad to meet up again!*
ReplyDeleteYou should really give "the friend" a name to up the stakes here. Start with your first sentence, then after that - give the poor lad a name. :)
erica
i agree with erica, giving the friend a name earlier would be better, but i love the flow of the swordplay right off the bat. ready to read more asap!
ReplyDeletedouglas esper
Thanks so much for your comments. All well received.
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteSo I am a lover of the sword fights so I can follow them pretty well. I got frustrated though with the "his friend's sword" 4 times right off the bat. Trust your readers to know who is who.
http://jamieheppner.blogspot.com/
Opening with a fight scene is always a dynamic way to start. I just wish the fight here felt more dynamic. The way it's written is too languid to have any real tension, although you counter that with the amount of tension coming from his father. Try and find different ways to describe the action. You use 'advance' more than once, and 'his friend's sword' several times too. The friend has a name. Use it, and find a variety of ways to show the scene.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I probably wouldn't read on.
I can really feel the frustration and the tension. Since there doesn't seem to be a reason to keep the friends name a secret go ahead and use it. Instead of saying friend so much, use opponent once and maybe another synonym. I also like the father because I think you draw him well in a brief amount of time but I am wondering who Kranos is. Is that the father? I would def. keep reading. I've been messing with a greek-style fantasy myself and kudos to you (no pun intended) because it can be hard to find names that are greek and relatable to a modern reader and you did a good job with that.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. I just wanted to add that from the title, I think I can guess what's going to happen to the poor prince, and if it does go that way I'd be very interested in reading it!
ReplyDeleteI liked it! Sucks you right in :)
ReplyDeletei liked this. i felt sympathetic for your mc almost right away--but i also simulatenously disliked his friend. so if that's what you wanted, good job. there were enough details to visualize the scene, but i wouuld've liked a bit more description of the people--like faces, clothes--to round it off. good job over all.
ReplyDeleteHi, Christopher,
ReplyDeleteI like the immediate tension tied to earning his father's respect. I agree that it'd be helpful to know his name. I was also wondering where exactly the fight is taking place? Are there others besides his father watching? What about sounds? Are they gasping for air, as they're growing tired from the fight? What do the swords sound like when they hit each other?
Thanks for sharing. Good luck!
Thank you so much for all who commmented. All comments well received and heeded. I have sent forth my official entry. Let the games begin.
ReplyDeleteI'm late to the critiquing party...so I'll just say I really enjoyed it! Best of luck with the contest and your 5k tomorrow! christy
ReplyDeleteThis post was so great,
ReplyDeleteReally great that it got so much comments.. superlike.. :)