Eucharisto, or Thank you to the illustrious Brenda Drake over at Brenda Drake Writes... for hosting this awesomesauce Can You Hit The Perfect Pitch? Blogfest. Agent, Ammi-Joan Paquette will be judging our entries which consist of:
-a two sentence (35 word mx) pitch
-First 150 words of the manuscript
Do click the link above to view the other entries.
So... here is my entry:
Title: The Sky Throne
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 82,500
Pitch: When Zeus is uprooted from his home to attend a school for gods-in-training, he's drawn into a dangerous world where he'll have to battle Gods and negotiate with Goddesses to save the school.
The distance between darkness and light was a nano-moment, my mother once told me. A sliver of space. The breadth of a strand of hair. I hadn’t known what she’d meant until that day. And still wished I hadn’t.
I trudged up the darkened beach, digging my toes in the sand with each step. Visions of pearl-skinned sea nymphs still danced in my head. Their iridescent eyes and seductive charms made me smile.
"C’mon, Zeus" Anytos called, throwing a stick at my feet.
I held a finger in the air.
"Zeus, seriously!" He clapped his hands once loudly.
"Wait. Hold on." I closed my eyes to enjoy the images of those sea nymphs. Just a splinter of time more.
"Zeus!" His words sliced sideways through my memories of them. "Sun’s nearly up. We don’t have much time!" Tos stood at the top of a dune calling down.
I sighed. “I’m coming.”
This sounds great! I really like your excerpt. The only thing I'd say about the pitch is that I'd almost rather know what he's saving the school from--or what makes him the one that has to save it?
ReplyDeleteI have to say...it sounds a bit familiar. You want to make sure you work hard so people don't claim it's a Percy Jackson ripoff, know what I mean? That being said, I love stories about mythology and I'd still pick it up :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, Gods-in-training, I'd capitalize Gods since you do in other places.
Good luck!
I really like the pitch - makes me want to read!
ReplyDeleteHey Chris,
ReplyDeleteSo, I didn't participate in the fest, but I'm going to give you my two cents. I don't think I've ever read work of yours that wasn't related to Greek mythology. What I think the problem in your pitch is the phrasing "school for gods-in-training." There needs to be a hint of something greater at the heart of the novel. I'm not sure if it's part of the ms, but you might add something in it about how this is a stepping stone to Zeus becoming the King of the Gods. To do that though, I think you need to write the pitch in omniscient. If you can't do this, just try to not generalize about "dangerous worlds of Gods." Who's he really up against? That'd sell it more.
Also, if you're looking for another blogfest to join, I'd love to have you by my blog on February 13th. I'm holding my 2nd Hook, Line & Sinker blogfest. Not sure if you played before. Please stop by!
Justin
In My Write Mind
I like the idea someone mentioned about what he's saving the school from, but it's hard to get it all in there in 35 words :)
ReplyDeleteYou have a beautiful way with words, love the time descriptions!
Good luck :)
I agree with a few of those above- that I'd like to hear what will happen to the world.
ReplyDeleteThat being said-- this is beautifully written! Your voice and descriptions are lovely.
Great job!
Hi Chris,
ReplyDeleteI like your pitch and think it is fine as is. Your first 150 words got me interested too. I would be interested to read more.
One criticism. I find the following sentences clumsy and suggest rewriting them to change the tense "I hadn’t known what she’d meant until that day. And still wished I hadn’t." Maybe just "I didnt know what she meant then and wish that I still didnt.
Good luck!