Thank you to Brenda Drake over at Brenda Drake Writes for hosting this "It Was A Dark And Stormy" Blogfest. That is such an awesome title for this contest, which calls forth everyone's first line from a finished manuscript. And yes there are prizes, so click through the link above to view the other entries.
So here is the first line from Caenus:
Prince Caenus deflected a thrust from his friend’s sword, feeling the heat of his father’s gaze needling his skin.
Hi Chris,
ReplyDeleteStarting active is always really good. Or introspective. Both lead into good opening scenes. Dialogue, not so much, but that can be agreed on.
However, I'm confused: the action of the sword deflecting affects Caenus where he senses his father's gaze? I would think all attention in a battle would be with the person holding the other pointy object.
Just a suggestion.
Best,
Justin
Until I read the comment above I didn't think the two actions were connected. I felt he deflected the friend's sword and the father was watching. Either way I think you could break this sentence down. It's kind of wordy.
ReplyDeletebethfred.com
I love starting on action. A little reworking, and rewording would speed the pace of this sentence up to match that action. Consider breaking up the clauses into two different sentences and make whichever action is more important to the rest of the scene (I suspect it might be the father's gaze) the first.
ReplyDeleteI agree. The two actions are disconnected. I like kate's suggestion of separating the two.
ReplyDeleteHello fellow blogfest participant! Thanks for stopping by my blog and checking out my first line.
ReplyDeleteAfter reviewing yours, I am definitly intrigued by how you start right in the middle of the action. You bring me in and wonder why he's in a swordfight.
That being said, I think you've got a lot going on...perhaps too much. You're introducing three characters with one sentence (Prince, his friend, and the father). I re-read it and think you could make it stronger by focusing only on one of two things, the sword his friend is holding (and he's avoiding) or how his father is looking at him.
You've got a really strong start, and with a bit of reworking I think it will be stronger.
Christi Corbett
Hi there blogfester!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others that there are two actions here that I think want to be separated somehow, or perhaps the father's gaze comes first so as not to make me feel that Prince is distracted while he is fighting or sparring.
Hope you'll come visit my line. :) Have fun!
I agree they feel disconnected. I'd say to expand on the first thought but keep it with Caenus and his friend. Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteI think if you put a period after sword - it'd be a GREAT first line! :)
ReplyDeleteI actually like the difference between his deflecting his friend's sword while feeling his father's eyes on him. It tells me that he constantly worries what his father thinks of him and wants to make him proud...great insight into the character!
ReplyDeleteActive and has tension. But I would like to see it focused on Caenus and his sword. You have three people vieing for the reader's attention in this sentence; Caenus, the friend and his father.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could show the skill Prince Caenus is using to deflect the sword thrust without naming his opponent or who else is watching. Then the readers full attention would be on the battle the prince is fighting and we would want to read on to see if his skill wins and who he is fighting. Everything else will be explained in the first couple paragraphs.
........dhole
Hi Christopher!
ReplyDeleteI agree with many comments above. I'd start with whichever part is more important to later action. Is the sparring just an intro scene, or is it the real beginning of the story? If it's really where the plot begins then focus on the sparring. If what the father thinks of Caenus is more important to the plot, focus on that instead.
Thanks for stopping by my blog and good luck!
I like that you've started with action, but like the others have said, the two parts of the sentence seem disconnected and are worded passively. Even though the sentences contain action, they feel passive.
ReplyDeleteI like the action and the first thing that came to mind is that the character is looking for approval from his very critical father during this fight. This would make me want to read more about their relationship.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what everyone has said so far. It's great to start out with action, but if he is in the heat of battle I don't think he would have time to pause and think about his father's glares...
ReplyDeleteGood luck on your entry!
Good, active first sentence, but I admit I got a little lost between the sword play and the father's gaze. It might be best to simplify a bit.
ReplyDelete?With hard won skill/With iron determination,/With the same need to impress his father, Prince Caenus deflected/parried/blocked the thrust from his friend’s sword.
ReplyDeleteYou could slip in a clause first if you felt you needed the back story/emotional link this early.
I'm liking the idea, but I would try executing it in a simpler manner. It feels like the descriptive words are a bit forced, and for me it was a bit distracting as I was trying to picture the action. But I do think you're probably going for a more epic write, so it could work. Just my thoughts. :)
ReplyDeleteIn reading your line initially, I didn't see how a gaze could be associated with a sword fight. I could see it if it were a game, and the son was trying to impress his father. However, the two in one sentence didn't sit well with me.
ReplyDeleteIn addition, "...heat of his father's gaze..." and "...needling..." doesn't flow well together with the way you wrote it. Heat doesn't needle onto the skin, it scorches.
How could you fix this? Separate the actions. They are two complete different thoughts at the same time, and both are completely separate actions.
Like Justin said, starting in the middle of action is good. It catches the attention and to know that his father is watching shows that this is some kind of training or competition, I suspect.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting on my earlier blog post, I've got the contest post up, now if you'd like to read it! Good luck!
As other have said, starting with action is good.
ReplyDeleteThis one, I hate to say, seems too forced, and almost feels like the dreaded purple prose...
Sorry
Ooh, what an interesting first sentence! I love the action and the implication of the pressure from the father. My only suggestion is to start it with the part about his father. Just reverse the two parts of the sentence: Feeling the heat of his father's gaze needling his skin, Prince Caenus deflected a thrust from his friend's sword. That puts a little more emphasis on the pressure from his father. If you want more emphasis on the action of the sword fight, I would not make this change. Good luck and happy writing!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Great comments all. I will go back to the drawing board on this and try to incorporate your comments.
ReplyDeleteThanks again.
I love how you start with action, but I felt that the two actions that were taking place in the sentence could be split in two because it seems a bit disjointed going from the deflect of the sword to the father watching.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else - starting with the action is great, but you need to spilt it into two sentences to avoid confusion. Love the way you are starting with action, though!
ReplyDeleteI think it would be more powerful if you left it as this: Prince Caenus deflected a thrust from his friend's sword.
ReplyDeleteI like that the sentence shows that you start with action. I agree with the others, that the combination of thrusting the sword and his father's gaze are disjointed. I had to read it a couple of times to make sure he wasn't fighting his father.
ReplyDeleteHey there! So I wasn't confused by this at all, but I think the sentence would work better if instead of "Prince Caenus deflected a thrust from his friend’s sword, feeling the heat of his father’s gaze needling his skin." You change it to "Prince Caenus deflected a thrust from his friend's sword and felt the heat of his father's gaze needling his skin." You wouldn't think it would make that much of a difference, but for me, the issue was that as it is now, he's feeling his father's stare as he deflects the blow, but using "and felt" instead implies that he deflected it and then felt his father's stare, probably hoping for approval. Nice way to start it though!
ReplyDeleteI like this! Action, swords, the pulling in of multiple senses--good stuff!!!!!
ReplyDeleteReally strong start, but there's a few too many characters here. Three characters on the first page is a lot, and you've got that many in one sentence! I'd recommend trimming it and refocusing it a bit - then you should be good to go!
ReplyDeleteOoo Action! I love beginning's with action! Oh, I like Christine Arnold's version. Says the same thing but flows better! Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat first line. But I would end it with the hero deflecting his friend's sword. That would hook the reader into saying "His friend?" Excellent job as always. Roland
ReplyDeleteThis is good - I want to know why he's fighting his best friend, and what his dad is thinking. ;)
ReplyDeleteLoved it. It pulled me in the first time I read it months ago and it pulls me in now. Good luck! :D
ReplyDeleteI liked it. A lot, I would only maybe change the word 'needling' But other than that, i liked it. Good job.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your nice comment! Have a great week! :)
ReplyDeleteIt does begin with lots of action, but I'm come from the less-is-more school of writing, and I'd like a simpler opening. That would give it clarity, too.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to nitpick, but the way it's written, the friend's sword could be attacking without the friend. So... make the Prince parry the friend's attack, not the sword's. Similarly, the father's gaze creates heat and the feeling of pinpricks. Choose one.
Good luck!
To me there's too much going on here. Both thoughts are compelling, but I dont' feel like they belong in the same sentence. If you do feel they're both important, I'd suggest breaking wthem with a semicolon instead of a comma. Great hook, though ^_^
ReplyDeleteAgain, thank you all for your comments. I have actually changed my opener based upon the constructive feedback of the best darn crit partners a guy could have.
ReplyDelete;-)
Hi Chris - Isn't this a fun blogfest? Love visiting others and getting to read the opening senteces. =D With the information I have, I would end this sentence after sword. so that it ends with action. Then you could continue with: His father's gaze burned hot, needling his skin. Or something, but that way you could get rid of the word "feeling", too. Great opening with a fight, though. I'd love to read more. =D
ReplyDeleteI