Sunday, March 20, 2011

"Show Me The Voice" Critique Blogfest



Thank you so much to Brenda Drake over at Brenda Drake Writes for hosting this Critique Blogfest. And also big thanks to Agent Natalie Fischer for judging the entries. Make sure you click through the link above to see the rest of the entries.

We were charged with posting our first 250 words to be critiqued and judged. So I am opening the door again to my Caenus MS.. actually, now named "Banished." Following are the revamped first 250 words.

*****
Prince Caenus deflected a thrust from his friend’s sword. Dodging his friend’s advance, Caenus darted between fluted columns near the edge of the otherwise sparse palace courtyard. He sidestepped another advance while retreating several steps, but his friend’s sword point bit into Caenus’ ribcage.  Again.
No matter what he did, Caenus could neither escape his friend’s sword nor his father’s gaze, which needled his skin. During a lull in sparring action, the prince shot a brief sidelong glance toward where his father brooded. Disappointment bent the lines on his father’s forehead.
 “I need a strong son to reign when Hades darkens my doorstep!” The king barked. “You can’t beat your friend in a swordfight. You can barely ride a horse. When will you be strong enough to command the military?”
A shaft of sunlight streamed through thickening clouds and onto the royal palace. Caenus’ best friend, Galen cut off the prince’s evasive maneuvers. And again, wood beat against wood. Thrust. Swipe. Swing. Block. Dust rose from the ground in random clouds, kicked up by the swiftly moving feet of the two young men. Their sparring swords danced against one another as familiar foes.
 “Is that your best, Caenus?” Galen said, ducking a half-hearted swing of his friend’s sword. “Is there no more fight in you than this peasant’s display of swordsmanship?” 
Galen knocked the sword from Caenus’ grasp and, with the flick of his wrist, guided the tip of his own sword to Caenus’ throat.
“King Me!” Galen beamed.
 *****