Thank you so much to Brenda Drake over at Brenda Drake Writes for hosting this Critique Blogfest. And also big thanks to Agent Natalie Fischer for judging the entries. Make sure you click through the link above to see the rest of the entries.
We were charged with posting our first 250 words to be critiqued and judged. So I am opening the door again to my Caenus MS.. actually, now named "Banished." Following are the revamped first 250 words.
*****
Prince Caenus deflected a thrust from his friend’s sword. Dodging his friend’s advance, Caenus darted between fluted columns near the edge of the otherwise sparse palace courtyard. He sidestepped another advance while retreating several steps, but his friend’s sword point bit into Caenus’ ribcage. Again.
No matter what he did, Caenus could neither escape his friend’s sword nor his father’s gaze, which needled his skin. During a lull in sparring action, the prince shot a brief sidelong glance toward where his father brooded. Disappointment bent the lines on his father’s forehead.
“I need a strong son to reign when Hades darkens my doorstep!” The king barked. “You can’t beat your friend in a swordfight. You can barely ride a horse. When will you be strong enough to command the military?”
A shaft of sunlight streamed through thickening clouds and onto the royal palace. Caenus’ best friend, Galen cut off the prince’s evasive maneuvers. And again, wood beat against wood. Thrust. Swipe. Swing. Block. Dust rose from the ground in random clouds, kicked up by the swiftly moving feet of the two young men. Their sparring swords danced against one another as familiar foes.
“Is that your best, Caenus?” Galen said, ducking a half-hearted swing of his friend’s sword. “Is there no more fight in you than this peasant’s display of swordsmanship?”
Galen knocked the sword from Caenus’ grasp and, with the flick of his wrist, guided the tip of his own sword to Caenus’ throat.
“King Me!” Galen beamed.
*****
You use both "friend" and "advance" twice in the first paragraph and it sounded a little repetitive to me. I'd suggest using another word in place of one of those. You might be able to replace the second "friend" with "he". And maybe use something like "charged" for the second "advance". Overall though, strong opening. I feel like we get a pretty good sense of Caenus' voice, and definitely a strong sense of setting. We have an understanding of what his father wants. I'd read on to see if Caenus wants to impress his father or if there's a different life path he'd choose if he was allowed.
ReplyDeleteGreat tension in this scene! and great desciptions - I almost feel like i'm sparring along with them. One suggestion: it feels like the POV is swetiching from Caenus in the beginning to Galen at the end. You could fix this by giving us more of Caenus' thoughts - what's going through his mind about his father and Galen.
ReplyDeleteYou have a great voice here and have built the tension perfectly. I agree with Margo that it does sound a bit POV switching, but the story is definitely intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThe first mention of his father threw me. I hadn't realized that there was an audience for their sparring match until then. I think you might want to show a little more emotion from Caenus.
ReplyDeleteLoved this line!!! - Disappointment bent the lines on his father’s forehead. Love it.
You did head hop into Galen's head at the end. The "King me" made me think of checkers which seems so out of place with this story.
Strong sense of place, I do like this piece!
Hey Chris! Glad to see you entered Brenda's contest! I liked this passage. I know I have read it before and it definitely has improved over the old version. You use Caenus's name too much, which pulls the reader out of the story. I love the 'King me' line. I agree with the others, add some emotion into Caenus's reactions. Make us feel the disapointment that he can't make his father proud. The frustration.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the contest!
Shelley
I agree with the previous comments about the POV switch at the end. I LOVE this line: "Disappointment bent the lines on his father's forehead."
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great opening. The only issue I have is that I wanted to see Caenus' reaction to his father's comments. Do the comments make him try harder or give in? We need to see something that gives us a sense of the relationship dynamic, since it's clear it will be important to the story.
I also love the "King Me" line. Great foreshadowing. Also, I have to say I think you've done a good job in the opening of showing Caenus and Galen's friendship.
Good luck!
I do get a sense of Caenus' voice, but not enough, I don't think. I felt bad for him though, and I wondered what sort of friend Galen was for taunting him in front of his father, even if it felt like a playful sort of taunt--but I think that's a great way of showing their relationship.
ReplyDeleteI think you could maybe find a new way of saying "his friend's sword", and also "his father", like sometimes say "the man" instead. It's mostly the first 2 paragraphs I'm talking about.
ReplyDeleteSuggested rewrite:
"Prince Caenus deflected a thrust from his friend’s sword. Dodging [Galen]’s advance, Caenus darted between fluted columns near the edge of the otherwise sparse palace courtyard. He sidestepped another advance while retreating several steps, but [the enemy] sword point bit into Caenus’ ribcage. Again.
As for his father, it's in paragraph 2:
"...nor his father’s gaze, which needled his skin. During a lull in sparring action, the prince shot a brief sidelong glance toward where [the King] brooded. Disappointment bent the lines on [the man]’s forehead."
I figure if we already know the guy's Caenus's dad, and we know Caenus is a prince, then we can figure his dad's a king, so this should work.
Anyway, that's my only suggestion - otherwise I think it's interesting for a beginning, though maybe instead of having his dad say all that stuff out loud, we can have Caenus reminiscing on all the times he's heard such things from his dad before - and the pressure he feels as a result. Would possibly give the chance for more voice that way, too.
Agree with the above comments. Good starting point, strong characters and perhaps the reader could get a sense that his father's disapproval is more agonising than any physical trials or spars?
ReplyDeleteGreat job on this. The only thing I can add that the others didn't point out is that it should read 'the king barked' instead of 'The king barked.' It's a dialogue tag, so the first letter isn't capitalized even though the dialogue ends in an exclaimation.
ReplyDeleteLove Trisha's suggestions.
Good luck!
I enjoyed your interplay of the slicing sword and the king's slicing scrutiny.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all of your kind comments lately!
ReplyDeletexo
Rachel